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What to say to a friend after a loss?

Discussion in 'General Miscarriage And Loss Discussion' started by Dilly's Mom, Nov 3, 2016.

  1. Dilly's Mom

    Dilly's Mom Active Member

    I have a friend who recently miscarried. she's acting like it's nothing and that it's okay, so we all try to act as if it its normal too. But I wonder if she's just trying to put on a brave front? what can i say or do to help? or should I just mind my own beeswax?
  2. Princess

    Princess Active Member

    It's going to take a while for her to open up. Sometimes people get confused and deny to themselves unconsciously that they are grieving, and it is natural especially for loss of a child. There are times that it may not be a brave front at all.

    The best approach would be to let her open up on her own, and not force it. It would take some time, so just try to be normally cheerful but not overly trying as she might take it as acts of pity towards her.
  3. Solange Diaz

    Solange Diaz Active Member

    I guess people have different ways of responding to loss. I knew someone who lost a baby due to miscarriage too, and she said, it felt ok bec she never really knew the child yet. And her dr said it really is common to have miscarriages. And that if a fetus did not survive, that means theres something off with dna and he or she may not be able to thrive if born. so nature's kindness saved them
  4. My friend's youngest sister also had the same experience. Her newborn baby died after giving birth. We went there the other day to visit and comfort. We asked her what happened, we made jokes and she looked normal too but we know that she is grieving inside. I guess it would be best to just be there, comfort, look after. They will open up when they want too, and all we really can do is be beside them.
    Dilly's Mom likes this.
  5. luckylu

    luckylu New Member

    I can talk from experience, as I too had a miscarriage. I think for me and my husband it felt like a very private deal and not an experience I wanted to share right away. We were confused on if we tell people or just keep it to ourselves, and really how to handle it. I was more at peace with the miscarriage but my husband took it a little harder. It did take awhile to want to open up and talk about it but it's been a year and a half since and I enjoy being support for others that have gone through the same thing.
    Dilly's Mom likes this.
  6. Dilly's Mom

    Dilly's Mom Active Member

    Thanks for the insight, luckylu. That is quite understandable. On behalf of the women you are helping, thank you so much!
  7. Alex Santiago

    Alex Santiago Member

    You could try to talk to her about it, but don't be pushy. We all have different ways of coping up with loss, that maybe your friend's way. Let it be, at least for a while. But after that if it still continues, have a heart to heart. For now, the best thing would be to always be by her side while she mourns. Bond, go shopping, travel, dine out just to make her feel better. I hope your friend gets better.
  8. iamevallain

    iamevallain Member

    I think the best way to handle a loss is to take their cue. I also have a friend who recently had a miscarriage and we didn't know about it until she told us about it. In hindsight, I think it was best that we didn't knew about it, she's working in the UK when it happened. She was telling us about it and she was able to handle the grieving process. She also mentioned that she wasn't comfortable with the people around her there because they knew about it and they are going to tell her things to make her feel okay when she is in fact not yet ready.

    She is like 14 weeks pregnant when the miscarriage happened and there were no fetuses to mourn with, I think that added to the gravity of the situation. You are mourning a loss that only you felt and experienced.
  9. I was just browsing the forum tab via categories/topics and came across this.
    My thought and observation that for a fact, denial is a more common first step in dealing with loss. The person who had the loss doesnt even know how to deal with it head on because things may seem to early to accept. Just be there for a friend and act natuarlly but don't push anything to force an emotion out of her. She will eventually come out from it. Hope this advise may still help.

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